::fresh::

feeling and adjusting

it takes a lot of time for me to get something done that I want to

at least I can admit that

tired but I dont want to sleep right now

Im too preoccupied

::new beginnings::

this computer is quite hard to work

I need to clean up my room

im feeling really good

new hair

new computer

record player

lots of things are falling into place the way I like

it just takes time

Do you recall the time when everyone at school called you a witch

Do you recall when I got so mad

And defended you to my every last end

I yelled at everyone

Because there was no reason for them to treat you so terribly 

I changed my facebook status

I kicked and screamed till it made a difference 

maybe one day i'll find a friend who will do the same for me

but for now I guess I'll have to wait 

people throw stones

::pick yourself up::

one foot

in front

of the

other

CR@FT

::WALMART::

Trafic

You say I've used you?

THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIMES YOUVE USED ME

ups and downs

:space:

:home: 

:inspired: 

What really sucks is living and understanding how people change 

You were so beautiful, but now all you do to me is ruin me

And ruin the people around me 

You told her it was okay 

But you haven't known her that long 

!Passion Pit was amazing! 

!Danced on stage with Girl Talk! 

Bringing out the song books 

Learning to play the banjo now

I feel betrayed 

singled out 

For nothing 

I wont talk to you until you say sorry

And Im stubborn 

Where did our friendship go?

And as for you

Your oldest and best friends dont care for you anymore 

you screwed up 

and if you think Ill be there for you 

You are the most wrong 

Youve destroyed me 

Find a way to make things better before you destroy yourself 

I still love you

This is a lesson you have to learn on your own 

As do I, in the great divine
Yours is mine
We’ll find love
The kind we’re dreaming of

paris evans

I've been too panicked 

My head hurts 

I still think of you everyday 

I miss the blueberries that grow in your backyard 

I wonder if they are still there 

Every sun lit leaf 

Casting colors 

Of seasons lost 

Makes me long 

For spending time with you

I can only hope to become like you

Collect reminders of you

::Jenny Lewis::

:June 13th:

I like old things 

I like things that have a 

A story 

Which no one will ever know

Collecting to me is the greatest mystery 

That's why I am so addicted to used things 

They are lost permanently 

I can relate to the easily 

They are not where they should be 

If I was a mug from an antique shop 

I should be tucked away in a drawer 

Every morning put to use 

I have found myself here 

Purposeless, rotting 

I want to return

But I cannot

Simply lost

Trying to find a new home

Unaware of where that is

::hibernation:: 

Why do I keep screwing up

I need to get back on track

I've had a lot on my mind 

Its time to let go of worry

Because it isn't important

Take a deep breath 

Focus on something 

Other than what's wrong

What is going right?

I feel like I was put in the middle

Of a tornado 

I want to go somewhere

Somewhere no one goes

So for a second or two 

I can feel a little more free

At least for now

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

You have been killing my nerves

Understand I need space 

For right now

Not ever

Quit talking about it

Quit trying to force something

That won't work

I'll know when its time

 

why would you have to leave when im just now discovering who I am
right when the leaves started changing
when the heat was fading 
right when I started to question what exactly life is for
but I remember 
the wide fields 
and my hands, meeting in yours
as the afternoon sun started to match the pumpkins
and all the little lights buzzed away 
I haven't returned there since the last time I saw you
now, all contrast is thrown out the door 
but when I return here I feel the most human
letting in the words you taught me
they'll help me get through 
regret for not spending the time
and even though I may not see you for some time 
you'll be there, unnoticed 
just like you have always been 
and I thank you for that

 ::If I am alive this time next year::

I hope to create this feeling again 

It was the best time of my entire life 

I am becoming aware again 

My life is feeling like it has purpose again 

steps in the right direction 

You said to me that I am not aware of how much I hurt your feelings

I would have liked to say, you have no idea how much I do for you 

You really will never be able to know 

But that faulty confession put some ground between us 

You have to work to gain that back

::Packing process::

This is the price we have to pay for letting our bodies do the talking 

All we can do is worry

Dealing with the disconnect 

We, worked up try to heal ourselves 

Tell yourself you will be ok

You will be

It just takes time

Strange, the way we deal with attachment 

Taking risks, what we know are wrong 

A natural take over 

Excuses to make things ok 

Becoming part of us 

I need to learn to loosen these ties

Because in some cases they don't exist 

Strawberry Jam

top photo::annie brooks 

Ate sushi alone outside tonight

Sweet Life 

outfit making 

need to get my camera fixed 

they were out of alo!X

::Count Down::

sense and sensibility

I love something, I do not know.

Does being mature mean

Being a realist. 

I know I am just convincing myself

That I love with out truly knowing 

I think people might think that is immature.

I have a question, 

If I am mature, and I am a realist  

Where does that leave room for hope?

People say I should be positive 

But when I think that way 

The real in me calls that foolish 

I know what I like and dislike

So why should I try and like

What I dislike

That to me is immaturity. 

I relate to you

I am what I see in you

You are confined and controlled 

Most people don't understand

It's so lonely 

You watch the movement of other objects 

You find yourself so unable to reach out 

Stay put, play with what is given to you

Stay sane, calm, and problems won't arise

It's so hard to stay that way

M.D.T

I watch how easily the smoke creeps into your lungs 

falling gently through your lips

quickly snatched away by your breath 

fading into the wind 

I want to be that smoke

for just a moment invade your soul 

and become one

just to understand who you are 

why you exist 

im on the edge of your eye im at my end point im so inspired by what we could have im crushed by reality your way of carrying yourself makes my heart shake you've made me miss what I dont have even though you dont notice I love you  and I cant remeber what I was trying to say before Id trust you when I look at you sound and silence blend into one

things start making sense 

thats what happiness feels like 

When I question my existence 

I fall into thought 

I remember your face 

I wish you knew how much I have come to need you 

or at least a simple memory of you 

::There is a solution to every problem::

time after time the panic hits my knees and crawls through my spine and into my eyes

over drawn by your presence

up the stairs

and through the door 

I keep screwing up what I work so hard to accomplish

ill miss seeing your face over this season. 

:Daydream:

::the wind in your face is the best time to think::

Something so sudden wakes you from your subtle state

sounds so loud, like breaking windows in your head

there in front of you appears a path

a long and seemingly endless path

you forgot to bring your walking shoes

Keep on this path because though you are thirsty and tired

and knowingly you must walk alone

you are never really alone

For every valley there must be an upward ascent 

and every smiling face

every laugh

and even every tear 

helps you get closer to that point

I love you Julie and Jayne. 

appliance of patience

staying up brings back my normality 

clarity of thought 

creativity is more vibrant late at night 

but awake like the feeling of an unfamiliar bed

I anticipate what will come out of this

stay still

listen 

Mais les yeux sont aveugles. Il faut chercher avec le cœur.

little things like the rustle of leaves or a late night drive will always remind me that i have you. so every time the wind runs through your hair or the sunlight peeks through the trees, remember me, for when all of the world is crashing down into the sea, my thoughts will turn to you.

saving this statement

:an older post:

change, is the only constant in my life. a life built upon an unstable heap of contradictions. i don't really sleep because of that. i wish i could see what i want more often than i do. i usually quietly settle. i hide behind the me that so many people know. only people i want see what i don't try to be. i should never let down my walls but i break them down as quick as possible to know something is there. when it isn't i have to rebuild them. i want that feeling you get when you lay down in a hotel bed and stare out at all the lights. i want something genuine, relatable, clean. i have that with very few. ive surrounded myself by people who make me happy. everyone has demons, and they creep in alot. people pleaser, im sick of it. i'm just as good as you, don't patronize. i am able to make up my own mind. i've been through things i tell no one. i have mysteries. everyone does, but some people are faulty. more than anything i can't stand how numb i've gotten over something i never really had. it was perfect in my mind, but to the world things didn't add up. i want something like that again, but real this time. i won't bother it though. it doesn't do anyone any good. people shouldn't get so worked up over things that won't get them anywhere. that happens, everyday. i can't get away from it, that why i've made my own path, and im following it. however i might as well have fun here and now, while i still have it. i had to grow up, because if i didn't i'd never be who i am, i would have lost myself in all the webs i find myself caught up in. i learned a long time ago, i had to fight myself out of them or i wouldn't be what i want, i wouldn't have anything. take a look. i'm not near over, im still canvas, i have work to do. however, i know how to do it now, and i know i can. impulse it trouble, but impulse is fun. know no limit, but careful the tale you tell. 

J'aime bien les couchers de soleil

There is a light that hits your face in the most perfect way

this light takes away words, all that I can see

is your eyes dancing around the room

ever so desperately I gather myself

to try and fit into the area in which you stare 

finally there is a chance 

but I am unable to take it

is this fate, mocking my very existence 

I exist so that we may exist together 

so that we may become one thing

a reference to include both of us 

that will never happen

this is not negative

this is realizing 

I will be alone without you

and without you I will stay 

anymallanimal

The jewel fell out of the crown 

and all of the animals escaped 

it must happen all the time

growing into our eyes 

as we watched the transformation 

from simple minds 

into ravenous teeth

all around the world 

drenched, hunger

hunger for some body 

flesh of sweeter taste

everyone does this shit 

wastes of perfection 

awake fully but not aware 

jump into the pool

unknowing, craving something

something to justify the situation 

it must happen all the time 

Tristes Apprets, Pales Flambeaux

gently as the last waves of twilight fade into darkness 
you hold my wrists, as if they were crystal 
and the shadows cast so gracefully on your face
which I draw close 
the sweet taste of wine still lingers on your lips 
matches your eyes, reflecting the dying candles
and there we stay 
lost and still
There we move back and forth 
suspended in the night air
The motion starts
still quiet, all the more careful 
we connect
and for that fraction of a second
everything that seemed to matter 
brushed away
just us there alone forever together complete and understood 
I rarely feel that connection 
when I awake 
its only special since I don't dream often 
but sometimes if I by chance brush against someone 
or their hand lingers after an embrace 
I feel you somewhere 
but I can only wonder 
if you feel me too